She is Loved
by hikarisailorcat
Summary: Spoilers of the 2020 New Year special, Spyfall, Part 2. The Doctor's thoughts as she made her way back to her Fam.


New Years 2020 – A continuation of Spyfall.

Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who, but I like what they are doing.

Warning: This oneshot contains spoilers for the New Years Special.

The Doctor opened her eyes. Everything was sideways, as if the TARDIS had fallen over. Oh no, wait, she was lying down, her arm numb. How long had she been like that? Oh well, not that it matters, time is irrelevant to her. She sat up and blinked. Her eyes stung and her cheeks burned from tears.

Suddenly it all came rushing back to her. The death. The destruction. The smell of a burning city forever stuck in her nostrils.

Why had he done that? The thought ran through her mind over and over and over, the possibilities endless, but the reasons getting more and more insane. But that's what he was, right? Insane? Crazy? Eccentric? Angry? Confused? Really, what was he thinking? How could he have ended so many lives? The innocent; gone forever. The children; gone. Family; gone. Her children and grandchildren, and great grandchildren and great great grandchildren. Did she even have great great grandchildren? Well if she did, they would be gone now.

The thought made her physically ill, and she found herself scrambling to get up off the floor and rush to the toilet. The taste of vomit now masked the taste of death. When she sat back down, she could feel the tears start up again.

No, she needed to stop this! Get up! Get out of this misery! She's done it once before, she can do it again!

Standing up with some new found energy she decided to have a shower to feel fresh. When done she got dressed in her favourite clothes, comforting herself. She stepped out onto the main deck.

Maybe she should have stayed here? Protected them. No. Time Lords had their own protection. They were very well capable to protect themselves. Or so she had thought. But now they are gone, and there is nothing else she can do. She must move on.

Taking one last look at the shell of a city through her screen, she pulled that leaver that took her away, to anywhere she wanted to go.

But where did she want to go? Suddenly the universe seemed too big and yet so small. The TARDIS was spinning and she felt extremely dizzy. Quickly she stopped it. She couldn't breathe. Had the Master corrupted the TARDIS? No, all the signals pointed to everything being in order, but why couldn't she breathe? She had to get out!

She rushed to the doors and pulled them open, hanging on as she was rudely wakened to the fact that she was floating in space. Space. Stars, planets, open space all around. Her breath was caught and she was able to breathe again. Taking long deep breaths she was able to calm down.

She closed the door and stumbled back to the console, placing both hands on the bench as she steadied herself.

This was it. There was no going on from here. Her planet, her home, gone from existence yet again. Could she come back from that? Was there really a reason to live anymore?

Yaz.

Yes, Yaz was a reason to continue on. And Ryan and Graham. Her Fam.

She took a step back from the console and straightened herself up. They would be waiting for her, waiting for her to drop off those other two back to their own time. They might not be blood related, but they were still her Fam and they needed her. No, they _wanted_ her there. Gathering herself together she flicked the switch and pulled the leaver, telling the TARDIS where and when to go.

No wait! She stopped again.

Would they notice? Would they notice she had spent the last… 3 weeks! (Had it really been 3 weeks?) Crying and not moving? Would they be able to see her bloodshot eyes?

And what about their own lives? Yaz would want to see her family again before they set off, after all she had put them in danger this time. Would she still want to continue travelling? And Graham would want to check on his house, maybe Ryan would want to have a game of basketball with his friends again? Maybe she should give them some time first?

Or would that make it too obvious that something had happened? She didn't want to worry them. She opened her phone. Should she message? Send a text?

_Hi. I'm on my way back. Meet at Yaz's in an hr._

There. That was simple, no emotion. Gave a bit of warning. Sent it through so it would reach them a day after she left them in the warehouse. That's enough time, right?

Feeling good about her choice she started up the TARDIS again, this time not stopping until she was out the front of Yaz's. One last look in the mirror to make sure her eyes weren't too red, she turned around and skipped to the door, mustering up as much positive energy as she could find. As soon as she opened the door – glomph!

"Doctor! Where have you been? It's been 3 days! We were so worried! Thank god you texted to tell us you were coming back!" Yaz mumbled in her ear as she smothered the Doctor in a hug. Ryan and Graham were behind Yaz, fumbling with suitcases ready to travel. The Doctor smiled. Yes, not only was she _wanted_ here, but she was very much _loved_.


End file.
